By Sydney Lawniczak
All parents have heard their children play “the blame game.” Maybe is with their sibling about who exactly started the fight. Maybe things at school escalated quickly, and the email from your child’s teacher seems VERY different from what your child is telling you. Sometimes, if something goes wrong it's all YOUR fault, even though you are pretty sure you had nothing to do with it.
When this behavior happens, it's important to remember that kids are typically coming from a place of shame or discomfort. They don’t want you or others to think badly of them. They also do not want to feel ashamed of themselves. They probably feel guilty about what they have done and may even be worrying that something similar will happen again. With time, parents can help challenge this mentality and help children navigate through tough conversations without throwing the blame on others.
Here are some ways to help:
Validate the feeling
Always validate the feeling. Help them understand what triggered them to act the way they did. This is an important first step to helping children differentiate between their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Feelings are often something we feel ashamed of- and we shouldn’t be! When we do not blame ourselves for our feelings, it gives us the freedom and flexibility to navigate and regulate our feelings more productively.
Seek Understanding
If it is a fight with a friend let them know that you understand what the other child did (they will probably tell you repeatedly to make SURE you understand). Remind them that you want to know what actions your child took because of it. We are always responsible for our actions, and it is our actions that get us in trouble.
Help them with conflict resolution
When talking about what he/she did, ask what they could have done instead of the choice he/ she made. If they can tell you, give lots of positive reinforcement! It is a great skill to be able to look back on our decisions and use them to make new ones. If they can’t tell you, see if you can brainstorm together what else could have been done. Don’t be afraid to model when brainstorming together. Something like “last time I was mad at my friend I did ……, but I wish I had just talked it out instead,” can help normalize that conflicts with friends and family is something we all go through. Remember, your child is probably feeling ashamed of what they did. Combating that shame is a great way of helping to make meaningful change.
teach emotional regulation
Remind your child that it is ok to be frustrated with friends! Frustration with others is a part of life. Talk with them about what they can do next time they feel frustrated with another child so that he or she feels prepared. The best strategies are always the preventative ones! If this is a more consistent problem for your child, these conversations may need to happen fairly frequently. Both parent supportiveness and child emotional regulation are strong factors in school readiness.
practice your own emotional regulation
Try to keep your cool. Remember that your child is probably already feeling defensive. Realistically, your child feeling defensive is what leads to the behavior in the first place. Yelling, aggressive language, or coming off as overly judgmental will probably exacerbate the problem. It can be hard to hear your child blaming others for things that they have done (particularly if the person they are blaming happens to be you!) Before having the conversation, give yourself a break to calm down if you need it (you're only human) .
Conclusion
With time and patience, children can learn responsibility that will serve them well as adults. You can be an important resource for supporting your child and helping them find a resolution to their problems in a healthy way.
Read more in our series, From a Child therapist:
From a Child Therapist: How to Help Your Child With Bullying at School
From a Child Therapist: What to do when your kid melts down in public
From a Child Therapist: How do I address my child’s anxiety?
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