“Why can't my parents just get along?” “Why do I have to switch houses weekly?” “Why do my parents always put me in the middle of their fights?” As a registered mental health counselor intern for children, adolescents and young adults, these are the statements I hear from my clients.
The first year of a divorce is the hardest on a child. During that first year, your child is likely to experience anger, disbelief, anxiety, and some distress. Many children fear that the divorce is their fault, experience sadness and confusion as they go between houses, and even anger as the "new" changes in their lives occur.
Here are five helpful tips to remember as your child goes through the divorce:
Co-parenting: Although divorce can be challenging on all parties, it is important to remember that a child still needs to feel like both mom and dad are still a team. Co-parenting can be hard if both parents are not on board, but it's important to your child that they see that their parents can still get along. Both parents showing up to a sporting event or attending parent conferences together demonstrates to the child that no matter what, they are still a team and will be there for the child.
Keeping the child from being the middle man: If I could express one thing that is the hardest on a child in a divorce is being put in the middle by the parents. It is important for your child and their mental health that they remain neutral in the divorce. No child should feel that they have to take sides on who loves them more or who does more for the child. Instead, find a professional counselor to speak with about your frustrations over your ex-spouse and leave the child out of that distress.
Maintain positive communication: It is important that your child feels seen, heard, and understood. Communication is key when going through a divorce. Validate your child's feelings when they are expressing frustration and concern. It's okay to acknowledge that things are hard, messy, and painful. With positive communication, a child is likely to feel less anxious or sad.
Coping skills: It is important to teach your child positive coping skills when dealing with divorce. Coping skills can consist of breathing techniques, mindfulness, journaling and more. Teaching your child positive coping skills allows them to process through their emotions, feelings, and behaviors in a positive way.
Trust: A lack of trust and security can develop due to the anxiety of the divorce. Lack of trust and security normally develop because the child feels as if the parent may abandon or leave them. It is important to show your child consistency so that they can feel safe and secure throughout the process of the "new norm."
If you are going through a divorce or other difficult time and find that you or your child are having trouble communicating with one another, let us help! It’s important for children to feel seen, heard, and understood, but many times we lack the tools to do that effectively. Beginning in January, I will be leading a 12-week counseling group for parents to provide tools and techniques to help parents and children better communicate with one another. We will cover a variety of topics of the 12 weeks, including divorce. For more information on the group and to sign up for updates as we draw closer, click here.
If you are interested in individual counseling for you or your child, you can request an appointment here.