By: SYDNEY LAWNICZAK
No one wants to see their child struggle. Every good parent does what they can to keep their children safe, healthy, and happy. A responsible parent's job is to step in during challenging times when necessary and provide the support and guidance children need to thrive.
However, often the challenges we face are the ones that teach us the most valuable lessons. Think about a time when you were truly struggling. Perhaps it was a new job that felt overwhelming, a class in college that you nearly failed, or the experience of parenting for the first time. If I asked you what you learned from those experiences, I bet you could quickly share some lessons.
How does struggling help children?
Children need the opportunity to struggle in order to learn and grow, just as adults do. Take a look at the video below:
In the video, a dad encourages his daughter to figure things out for herself while she is stuck in her toy basket. Notice how the dad stays by her side without walking away or undermining her feelings about how difficult it is. He never tells her, “It’s easy!” or “You should know how to do this!”
Instead, he acknowledges her feelings of challenge and fear while remaining confident in her abilities. When she ultimately figures it out, you can see the glow on her face! The joy she feels from her accomplishment is profound—so much so that she immediately returns to the basket for another try. More than simply learning how to get out of the basket, she gains a sense of self: “I am capable, I am smart, I can do hard things, and I can help myself!” This sense of competence is crucial for our children’s self-identity as they grow.
This isn’t to say that your 5-year-old should be making their own doctor’s appointments! Some tasks are simply too much for children to handle alone, and they need their parents' support. However, our first instinct when we observe our children struggling shouldn’t automatically be to swoop in and rescue them, no matter how tempting that may be.
What happens when we don’t allow children to struggle?
When children aren’t allowed to face challenges, they may come to believe they are incapable of overcoming difficulties. They might feel that their parents do not trust them to handle tough situations, which can lead to a corresponding lack of self-trust. Additionally, children who lack experience with struggle often have low frustration tolerance, meaning they have difficulty coping with stressful situations in a healthy way. As a result, when faced with difficulties, their instinct may be to give up or to have a meltdown, rather than to work towards a solution.
If children have never had the chance to solve problems independently, how can we expect them to do so when challenges arise? Consider the scenario with the father in the video. What if he had picked up his daughter and carried her out of the basket (which is what she wanted!) While she might have felt a sense of relief in that moment, she would have missed out on learning an important lesson.
How to help a struggling child?
Look at how the father did it in the video above. He was there for a nudge in the right direction and some helpful advice. He heard her feelings and let her know he understood. But he was patient, non-directive, and never took the reins out of her hand.
How do you manage your discomfort when your child is struggling?
It’s natural to feel uncomfortable when our children are having a tough time. Sometimes we feel like bad parents when we don’t directly respond to their requests for help (e.g., “Help me finish my homework!” or “Open this for me!”). At other times, our busy schedules may prevent us from allowing our children to be independent. When we feel rushed, we also tend to feel anxious. Seeing our children experience discomfort can trigger our own discomfort. We often want to eliminate every problem quickly.
However, it can be helpful to remind ourselves that although solving their problems may provide immediate relief, encouraging our children to figure things out on their own builds character and self-esteem in the long run.
Can my child handle this on their own? If the answer is yes, here are some questions to ask yourself: -
-Is this something they know how to do but just don’t want to?
This is a common scenario. They might be perfectly capable of opening a box, picking up a toy, or getting dressed by themselves. By challenging them and expressing your belief in their capability, you send a clear message: “I know you can do this.” This fosters trust in their abilities. –
-Are they assuming they can’t do it without trying?
Sometimes, children avoid tasks that seem difficult because it is simply easier to have someone else do it for them. As mentioned earlier, avoiding challenges can hinder their frustration tolerance. Remind them that it’s perfectly okay for things to feel hard.
Do I have the time to let them do it alone?
This is a big one. It can be hard to let a child take 25 minutes to put on their pants when they need to be out the door in 20. If you are in a rush- that’s life! Give what agency and space you can, but don’t feel guilty if you need to help more than you think you should in a time crunch. Put a pin in it for when you have more time. It might be worth letting them take all the time they need to put their pants on over the weekend.
What if everything feels like a struggle?
Pay attention to how frequently and severely these issues arise. If you notice that your child is struggling more than others their age, or if the challenges feel unmanageable, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
Remember, your child is a grown-up in training, so teach them accordingly. When in doubt, ask yourself: “How would I want them to handle this as an adult?” Struggling and making mistakes are part of being human. Don’t shy away from allowing your child to engage in this crucial aspect of life.