How Do I Set Boundaries In A Relationship?
By Corey O’Connell
Personal boundaries define who and what we are. They define what we are responsible to control (personal thoughts, behaviors, actions) and what we are not responsible to control. The personal boundaries of individuals come into contact when two or more people interact about their wants or needs. You have something another person wants (time, support, body, permission, forgiveness, love, advice, possessions, etc.) and boundaries determine the way you will respond to these requests or what you will request of others.
Knowing your boundaries gives a person a sense of ownership of themselves and allows them to authentically engage in relationships with others. However, when a person is uncertain about their boundaries, setting them becomes difficult and may feel impossible.
Boundaries in a relationship define the roles and expectations of each partner. They identify where I end and someone else begins, what I am responsible for and what I am not responsible for. It is important for people to be clear with themselves and their partners about their relational expectations. Here are some tips on how to start setting boundaries in your relationship:
Self-awareness
Healthy boundaries start with being aware of your own beliefs, values, and needs. Without an awareness of what makes a healthy self, a person cannot set healthy boundaries.
Personal values
Boundaries are informed by what we value. Some people value having children while others do not. Some people value living in the country while others would rather live in the city. Our values are informed by our culture, religion, family of origin, and personality.
Clear is kind
Being clear with yourself and your partner is essential to setting boundaries. If we are unclear with ourselves, it is impossible to communicate clearly with others.
Talk openly
Having an open dialogue with your partner sets the foundation for creating effective boundaries; don't be afraid to ask clarifying questions or voice concerns when differences in boundaries arise in your relationship.
Be direct
Make sure your statements are clear, respectful, and specific when communicating your needs. A good test of this is if you can communicate your boundaries in bullet point form, simple and straightforward. Vagueness will only lead to misunderstandings down the line!
Take responsibility
When your boundaries are crossed or broken, take responsibility for your actions. State clearly to your partner the boundary that was crossed and how it has made you feel. When you cross or break the boundaries of your partner, take ownership and apologize for your part; avoid placing blame or becoming defensive as this will only make things worse!
Respect differences
Remember that people, even people in a long term committed relationship, have different needs when it comes to relationships. Do your best to not impose your own expectations onto someone else without first having a conversation about your expectations. Inevitably, when this does happen, take responsibility for your part.
While setting boundaries within a relationship can result in uncomfortable conversation at first, it can also bring people closer together by allowing them to gain a better understanding of their boundaries and expectations. Setting clear boundaries in any kind of relationship is key for fostering trust, respect, and understanding between two people. By taking the time to discuss what behavior is acceptable within the context of your relationship, you can create a strong foundation for lasting happiness together. Remember: clarity and frequent communication is key when setting up (and enforcing) any kind of boundary. With consistent practice and getting comfortable with uncomfortable conversations, you can save yourself from future conflict down the line!
BEGIN COUNSELING IN THE TAMPA BAY AREA
Boundaries can greatly benefit your growth with self, others, and with God. Counseling can offer a great deal of support in your journey. Our team of caring therapists can offer support from our North Tampa, FL office or our South Tampa, FL office. To start improving your relationship, follow these simple steps:
Meet with a caring therapist
Start working on developing the boundaries you need in life
OTHER SERVICES OFFERED WITH CHRISTIAN COUNSELING OF TAMPA
Counseling for boundaries isn’t the only service offered by our Tampa, FL-based therapy practice. We understand the many ways your mental health may be affected. As a result, our team is happy to also offer play therapy, premarital counseling, Christian counseling, therapy for anxiety, trauma, and therapy for depression. We use a variety of treatment modalities including CBT, EFT, grief therapy, and more! Feel free to learn more about us by visiting our FAQ or blog today.